الحمد لله نحمده ونستعينه ونستغفره، ونعوذ بالله تعالى من شرور أنفسنا، وسيئات أعمالنا،  وأشهد أن لا إله إلا الله وحده لا شريك له، وأشهد أن محمداً عبده ورسوله ، اللهم صلِّ وسلم وبارك على سيدنا محمد وعلى آله وأصحابه  ومن تبعه إلى يوم الدين.

One of the important responsibilities of a Muslim is to command what is Mauroof (مَعۡرُوفِ) and forbid what is Munkar (مُنكَرِ) because our relationship with each other evolves around this responsibility.  Because of the importance of this responsibility, Allah repeated it 7 times in the Quran (3 times in surat Al-Imran, 2 in Al-Tawba 1 in Hajj and 1 in Luqman).  In surat al-Tuba, Allah says:  

وَٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ وَٱلۡمُؤۡمِنَـٰتُ بَعۡضُهُمۡ أَوۡلِيَآءُ بَعۡضٍ۬‌ۚ يَأۡمُرُونَ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِ وَيَنۡهَوۡنَ عَنِ ٱلۡمُنكَرِ

“The believers, men and women are protectors of one another.  They enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil,” (Al-Tawba 9:71).   

The question is what is Mauroof (مَعۡرُوفِ).  It is often translated as what is right, just, kind, good, right conduct.   All these meanings are reflected in the term but a key element is that all these things must be of the nature that is well accepted to any normal human being.    Mauroof (مَعۡرُوفِ) is not based on your opinion or something that you have read, it must be of something well known and broadly recognized as proper conduct.

On the other hand, Munkar (مُنكَرِ) which is often translated as iniquity, indecency, wrong, evil, is something that is well known and broadly recognized as improper conduct. 

Having reformers in the community to command the good and forbid the evil is absolutely required to ensure the protection of Allah Who said:

وَمَا كَانَ رَبُّكَ لِيُهْلِكَ الْقُرَىٰ بِظُلْمٍ وَأَهْلُهَا مُصْلِحُون )  هود(

“Your Lord would not destroy the towns unjustly while their people are reformers.” (Hud 11:117)

The Prophet emphasized the important of commanding the good and forbidding the evil on a community by saying:

قال صلى الله عليه وسلم: «والذي نفسي بيده لتأمرن بالمعروف ولتنهون عن المنكر أو ليوشكن الله أن يبعث عليكم عذابا منه فتدعونه فلا يستجيب لكم»( رواه الترمذي وأحمد).

The Prophet (PBUH) said: By the One in Whose Hand is my soul, you better command the good and forbid the evil or Allah will be on the verge on sending on you a torment from him, and He will not respond to your supplications.

When you are engaging in advising people with what is right and helping them make correction when they are wrong, you must realize that the majority of people do not like those who try to correct them even if they know that such person is a righteous person. 

While people like the righteous person because he is good for himself and to them, as soon as he comes reformer, he is hated because his advice creates conflict with their passions and personal interests.   Many people reject any correction because of their ego and inflated sense-of-self.  Those people consider admitting they made a mistake or that they were wrong is fundamentally too threatening for their egos to tolerate.  Also, absorbing the reality that they were wrong would be so psychologically shattering,

The Quran gives us many examples of people who were well honored and liked by their communities but as soon as they become reformers and start advising the people to change their wrong practices, they were hated and ridiculed.

We know this from the history of the Prophet (PBUH).  He was well respected and trusted by all people in Mecca until he started asking them to Worship Allah alone.  Then, they changed 180 degrees, they started attacking him with the worst name calling.  The response is not to be angry or sad but be patient.    Allah says:

فَٱصۡبِرۡ عَلَىٰ مَا يَقُولُونَ وَسَبِّحۡ بِحَمۡدِ رَبِّكَ قَبۡلَ طُلُوعِ ٱلشَّمۡسِ وَقَبۡلَ غُرُوبِہَا‌ۖ وَمِنۡ ءَانَآىِٕ ٱلَّيۡلِ فَسَبِّحۡ وَأَطۡرَافَ ٱلنَّہَارِ لَعَلَّكَ تَرۡضَىٰ (١٣٠)

“Endure with patience what they say, and celebrate the praises of your Lord before sunrise and before sunset, and some hours of the night and at glorify Him at the two ends of the day, so that you may be well pleased.” (Taha 20:130)

قَدۡ نَعۡلَمُ إِنَّهُ ۥ لَيَحۡزُنُكَ ٱلَّذِى يَقُولُونَ‌ۖ فَإِنَّہُمۡ لَا يُكَذِّبُونَكَ وَلَـٰكِنَّ ٱلظَّـٰلِمِينَ بِـَٔايَـٰتِ ٱللَّهِ يَجۡحَدُونَ (٣٣)

وَلَقَدۡ كُذِّبَتۡ رُسُلٌ۬ مِّن قَبۡلِكَ فَصَبَرُواْ عَلَىٰ مَا كُذِّبُواْ وَأُوذُواْ حَتَّىٰٓ أَتَٮٰهُمۡ نَصۡرُنَا‌ۚ

“Surely, We know that what they say makes you sad, but it is not you whom they reject, the transgressors actually deny the signs of Allah. (33) Indeed, many messengers have been rejected before you, but they were patient against their rejection, and they were persecuted until Our help came to them.” (Al-Anaam 6:33-34)

The same thing happened to other Prophets such as Prophet Saleh. 

قَالُواْ يَـٰصَـٰلِحُ قَدۡ كُنتَ فِينَا مَرۡجُوًّ۬ا قَبۡلَ هَـٰذَآ‌ۖ أَتَنۡهَٮٰنَآ أَن نَّعۡبُدَ مَا يَعۡبُدُ ءَابَآؤُنَا وَإِنَّنَا لَفِى شَكٍّ۬ مِّمَّا تَدۡعُونَآ إِلَيۡهِ مُرِيبٍ۬ (٦٢)

“They said, “O Salih, we had high hopes in you till this (we loved you and wished for you to be our chief)). Do you ask us not to worship what our fathers used to worship? We have serious doubts about that to which you call us.” (Hud 11:62)

Luqman, the wise, warned his son of this rejection when he becomes reformer and advised him to be patient.

يَـٰبُنَىَّ أَقِمِ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَ وَأۡمُرۡ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِ وَٱنۡهَ عَنِ ٱلۡمُنكَرِ وَٱصۡبِرۡ عَلَىٰ مَآ أَصَابَكَ‌ۖ إِنَّ ذَٲلِكَ مِنۡ عَزۡمِ ٱلۡأُمُورِ (١٧)

“My dear son, establish prayers, and enjoin the goodness and forbid the iniquity, and persevere with patience on what befalls you. Surely, this is the heart of the matters.” (Luqman 31: 17) 

You should realize that commanding the good and forbidding the evil is not easy and requires serious planning and development of your own character to be qualified to do it, otherwise you can cause more harm than good.

When any serious person is given a responsibility, he studies it and ensures that he is qualified to fulfill its obligations before committing to it.  I don’t believe that any of us will attempt to fix a high voltage power supply without being fully qualified to do it, shouldn’t we examine our qualifications when we try to fix someone character or morals! 

Allah stressed in many verses the importance of using kind, polite, and nice words. Allah says:

 وَقُلْ لِعِبَادِي يَقُولُوا الَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ إِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ يَنْزَغُ بَيْنَهُمْ إِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ كَانَ لِلْإِنْسَانِ عَدُوًّا مُبِينًا  )الإسراء(

And say to My slaves that they should (only) say what is best. Surely, Satan sows conflict among them. Indeed, Satan is an open enemy for mankind. (Al-Isra 17:53)

Note that this verse includes two commands:

1. First, you should use the best words and deliver them in the best manner
2. Second, you should be aware of Satan to ensure that he does not manipulate your words or the way you said them to instigate the ego of the person you are advising to reject the advice and create conflict.  

Maintaining good manners and wisdom when advising people is emphasized in Surat al-Nahl:

ٱدۡعُ إِلَىٰ سَبِيلِ رَبِّكَ بِٱلۡحِكۡمَةِ وَٱلۡمَوۡعِظَةِ ٱلۡحَسَنَةِ‌ۖ وَجَـٰدِلۡهُم بِٱلَّتِى هِىَ أَحۡسَنُ‌ۚ إ (١٢٥)

‘’Invite (people) to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good counsel. And argue with them in the best of manners.” (Al-Nahl 16:125)

Regarding the manner you speak, Allah instructs us that we should speak in soft and kind tone otherwise the people will never listen to our advice even if they believe in its value to them.   Allah identified for us the secret of the Prophet’s success by saying:

فَبِمَا رَحْمَةٍ مِنَ اللَّهِ لِنْتَ لَهُمْ وَلَوْ كُنْتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ الْقَلْبِ لانْفَضُّوا مِنْ حَوْلِكَ فَاعْفُ عَنْهُمْ وَاسْتَغْفِرْ لَهُ)  آل عمران  159(

It is part of the Mercy of Allah that you deal gently with them. If you were rude or harsh-hearted, they would have scattered away from you: so pardon and ask forgiveness for them. (Al-Imran 3:159)

In this translation the Arabic word ‘fuz’ is translated as rude.  This does not reflect the complete meaning of this word. The root of the word ‘fuz’ refers to the water in the camel stomach.  When the Arabs run out of water during their long journey in the desert, they used to slaughter a camel and drink the water stored in its stomach.  Although this water would represent to them a life saver, they drank it reluctantly because of its awful smell and taste. 

So, the word ‘fuz’ in the verse means that if you are rude, they will reject your advice although they fully recognize its value to them.  Imagine if you are rude in giving someone an advice that he is not aware of its value to him, for surety he will not accept it and will resent you.  Thus, when you give an advice you must provide it with mercy, kindness, courtesy and humility. 

When Allah sent Prophets Musa and Haroun to the Pharaoh, He instructed them to speak kindly to him:

ٱذۡهَبَآ إِلَىٰ فِرۡعَوۡنَ إِنَّهُ ۥ طَغَىٰ (٤٣) فَقُولَا لَهُ ۥ قَوۡلاً۬ لَّيِّنً۬ا لَّعَلَّهُ ۥ يَتَذَكَّرُ أَوۡ يَخۡشَىٰ (٤٤)

“Go, both of you, to the Pharaoh who has indeed transgressed, and speak to him gently, perhaps he may heed or fear (Allah).” (Taha 20: 43-44)

Even if you are giving the best advice to your wife, your children, your friends, or anyone else, you must always speak in gentle manner. Frankly, none of us is more honorable than Prophets Musa and Haroun and none of the people we will ever advise are worse than the Pharaoh.   

Commanding what is right and forbidding what is wrong is not an assignment for the unqualified and the armatures. If you want to advice people with what is right and correct them of what is wrong, you must meet three qualifications.   In his book “The Certified” (المعتمد), Al-Qadi Abou Yaala (القاضي أبو يعلى) the great Hanbali scholar (380- 458H) wrote:

ذكر القاضي أبو يعلى في المعتمد- “لا يأمر بالمعروف وينهى عن المنكر إلا من كان فقيها فيما يأمر به، فقيها فيما ينهى عنه، رفيقا فيما يأمر به، رفيقا فيما ينهى عنه، حليما فيما يأمر به، حليما فيما ينهى عنه”

“It is not permitted for anyone to command what is good and forbid what is evil unless he is knowledgeable about what he commands and forbids, kind to whom he commands and forbids, and forbearing in the way he commands and forbids.” 

Therefore, knowledge, kindness, forbearance and obviously forbearance includes wisdom and patience are the qualifications for anyone who wants to fulfill his responsibility to enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil.  If you lack any, keep quiet because your advice will have no value and it may cause more harm than good.

Another very important point, never advice anyone, particularly your spouse, children or friends when they are down because of harm that they may have caused (e.g., had a speeding ticket, got in a car accident, did bad in an exam).  At this time, they need your comfort not lecture.   Let us learn how Allah told the Muslims after the disaster that happened in Uhud because of their disobedience to the very clear instructions of the Prophet (PBUH), Allah did not reprimand them, rather He comforted them by saying:

وَلَا تَهِنُوا وَلَا تَحْزَنُوا وَأَنْتُمُ الْأَعْلَوْنَ إِنْ كُنْتُمْ مُؤْمِنِينَ إِنْ يَمْسَسْكُمْ قَرْحٌ فَقَدْ مَسَّ الْقَوْمَ قَرْحٌ مِثْلُهُ

“Do not fall in despair or be depressed: for you must gain mastery if you are true believers.  If harm has touched you, be assured a similar harm has touched the others (your enemy). “(Al-Imran 3: 139-140)

An important lesson that we should learn from the Prophet (PBUH) is not to dwell on the mistakes that have already been done.  As example if a family member or a friend did something that you did not want or did not do something that you wanted, what value would you achieve by getting angry.  Let us see how the Prophet (PBUH) used to react to these situations.   Anas ibn Malik ( ‏أنس بن مالك) said:

خدمت رسول الله ‏ ‏صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ ‏عشر سنين والله ما قال لي أفا قط ولا قال لي لشيء لم فعلت كذا وهلا فعلت كذا

“I served the prophet (PBUH) for 10 years and he never said to me “oof”, or said why you did such and such, or why you did not do such and such? (Muslim)

If this is the way the Prophet (PBUH) treated his servant, can you imagine his noble treatment of his own family? 

Can you imagine how happy the family would be if the husband and wife would follow the Prophet’s example by never expressing any hint of anger toward each other, even by a simple expression like “oof”.

Can you imagine how happy the family would be if the husband and wife never lecture each other about what they should have or have not done!

Kindness is a critical element in human interactions and is particularly essential when correcting or advising someone.   It does not make any sense that you would be interested in advising any one by being rude to him.  

The prophet (PBUH) emphasized the importance of kindness and gentleness in many of his hadith.   Ibn Mas’ud reported that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said:

أَلَا أُخْبِرُكُمْ بِمَنْ يَحْرُمُ عَلَى النَّارِ أَوْ بِمَنْ تَحْرُمُ عَلَيْهِ النَّارُ عَلَى كُلِّ قَرِيبٍ هَيِّنٍ سَهْلٍ

Shall I not tell you for whom the Hellfire is forbidden? It is for every person who is reachable, polite, and easy. (Sunan At-Tirmidhi) 

Sayeda Aysha (عائِشةَ) reported that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said

عن عائِشةَ رضيَ اللَّه عنها قَالَتْ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّه ﷺ: إِنَّ اللَّه رفيقٌ يُحِبُّ الرِّفْقَ فِي الأَمْرِ كُلِّه )متفقٌ عَلَيْهِ(

Allah is kind and He loves kindness in all matters.

In addition to kindness, wisdom, humility and patience, you should not give advice unless you are fully knowledgeable about the subject and the condition of the person you are advising and also about the right time and place to give the advice. 

The worst thing one can do is to correct someone in public; it is impolite, inconsiderate, insensitive and rude.  It has always been said: The wise person praises in public and advices in private. Reminding the people of this golden rule, Imam Al Shafie (الشافعي) wrote:

We should learn from the kindness, wisdom and tolerance of the Prophet by his reaction to the man who urinated in the Masjid and how he (PBUH) advised the man without embarrassing him.   Also, we should learn how the Prophet (PBUH) advised the youth who came asking permission to commit adultery and how the Prophet convinced the youth that this is wrong without threatening him of any punishment.   

We should follow the Prophet’s example when he wanted to point mistakes that someone has made.  The Prophet (PBUH) never mentioned any person by name, but he always used to say: “What do you think about people who do such and such”. 

Having patience cannot be over emphasized, it is essential if you are really sincere in trying to correct someone, particularly in religious matters.  This is the advice that Allah gave the Prophet in the early revelation in “Al Muddathir”:

يَـٰٓأَيُّہَا ٱلۡمُدَّثِّرُ (١) قُمۡ فَأَنذِرۡ (٢) وَرَبَّكَ فَكَبِّرۡ (٣) وَثِيَابَكَ فَطَهِّرۡ (٤) وَٱلرُّجۡزَ فَٱهۡجُرۡ (٥) وَلَا تَمۡنُن تَسۡتَكۡثِرُ (٦) وَلِرَبِّكَ فَٱصۡبِرۡ (٧)

 “You who are wrapped in a cloak.  Stand up and warn the people, Magnify your Lord.  Purify your clothing.  Steer clear from evil. Don’t expect anything for what you give, and for the cause of your Lord be patient. (Al-Mudather 74:1-7).

Even when advising your family to pray, you should be patient.  Allah says:

وَأۡمُرۡ أَهۡلَكَ بِٱلصَّلَوٰةِ وَٱصۡطَبِرۡ عَلَيۡہَا‌ۖ

“And enjoin prayers on your family and be patient on it.” (Ta-Ha 20:132)

The Prophet (PBUH) commanded us to be patient and apply our religion with ease as he (PBUH) said:  

عن أَنَسُ – رضي الله عنه – أن رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: “إِنَّ هَذَا الدِّينَ مَتِينٌ فَأَوْغِلُ فِيهِ بِرِفْقٍ

“This religion is strongly founded, enter in it with moderation.” 

The Prophet (PBUH) also said: 

عن أَبِي هريرة  النَّبيّ ﷺ قَالَ: إِنَّ الدِّينَ يُسْرٌ، ولنْ يشادَّ الدِّينُ إلاَّ غَلَبه فسدِّدُوا وقَارِبُوا وَأَبْشِرُوا، واسْتعِينُوا بِالْغدْوةِ والرَّوْحةِ وشَيْءٍ مِن الدُّلْجةِ رواه البخاري.

“Indeed, this religion is easy, and no one will ever overburden himself in religion, except that it will overcome him. So seek what is appropriate and come as close as you can, and receive the glad tidings (that you will be rewarded), and take it easy; and gain strength by worshipping in the mornings, afternoons, and during the last hours of the nights.”

Muslims used to recite when departing from a gathering the short chapter “Al Asr” as a reminder to each other of upholding truth and preserving their patience:

وَٱلۡعَصۡرِ (١) إِنَّ ٱلۡإِنسَـٰنَ لَفِى خُسۡرٍ (٢) إِلَّا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ وَعَمِلُواْ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ وَتَوَاصَوۡاْ بِٱلۡحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوۡاْ بِٱلصَّبۡرِ

 “By the passage of Time, man is in loss. except for those who believe, perform righteous deeds, counsel each other to uphold the truth and preserve their patience,” (Al-Asr 103:1-3). 

These attributes of knowledge, kindness, wisdom, tolerance and patience are so important when correcting someone because most people hate and get irritated and offended by being corrected or given advice that they are not seeking.   The reaction of the person to advice depends on the configuration of his three brains: thinking brain, emotional brain, and actional/ “fight or flight” brain. 

The outcome of any discussion depends on whether the configuration of these brains is rigid of flexible.  The reason people can’t stand being corrected is that their three brains cannot stand being misaligned from their current reality. The feeling that their three brains are becoming “unglued” is intolerable.  This is why you should refrain from any discussion when it turns into argument.  The Prophet (PBUH) said:

عن أبي أمامة قال: قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: أنا زعيم ببيت في ربض الجنة لمن ترك المراء وإن كان محقا، وببيت في وسط الجنة لمن ترك الكذب وإن كان مازحا، وببيت في أعلى الجنة لمن حسن خلقه.

“I guarantee a palace in the outskirts of Paradise for the one who gives up disputing while he is right, and a palace in the middle of paradise for the one who abandons lies even when he is joking, and a palace in the highest place in paradise for the one who has good character.” [Abu Dawoud and At-Tirmidhi]

Imam Al-Shafie used to say:

قال الامام الشافعي رحمه الله مَا نَاظَرْتُ أَحَدًا قَطُّ إِلا أَحْبَبْتُ أَنْ يُوَفَّقَ وَيُسَدَّدَ وَيُعَانَ وَيَكُونَ عَلَيْهِ رِعَايَةٌ مِنَ اللَّهِ وَحِفْظٌ وَمَا نَاظَرْتُ أَحَدًا إِلا وَلَمْ أُبَالِ بَيَّنَ اللَّهُ الْحَقَّ عَلَى لِسَانِي أَوْ لِسَانِهِ

“I have never debated anyone but would love for him to be guided, directed, helped, and to be under the care and protection of Allah. And I never debated with anyone but that I did not mind whether Allah clarified the truth on my tongue or his tongue.”   He also said:

يقول الامام الشافعي رحمه الله* ما جادلت أحداً إلا تمنّيت أن يظهِر الله الحق على لسانه دوني

“I have never debated anyone but wished that Allah brings the truth on his tongue instead of mine”.

An obvious requirement for anyone who is giving advice is to be knowledgeable about the subject.  When it comes to religious issues, you must be sure that the correction is being made regarding a divine command that is clearly established as primary, concise and unambiguous and is not on a Fiqhi issue on which jurists differed.   If you see someone performing specific practice that is different than the one you are familiar with, don’t try to correct him but rather ask so you may learn something from him.

As final point, don’t use religion to get your family members feel guilty in order to get your rights.   As example, do not quote a verse form the Quran or hadith to your wife so she serves you and listens to you or quote a verse or hadith to your children to have them listen and respect your opinion. 

If you have to seek your rights from your family by invoking the Quran and the teaching of the Prophet (PBUH) to make them feel guilty, you better examine yourself first because this suggests that you have failed to in your responsibilities.  Let us learn from the verses recording the advice that Luqman gave to his son.  Allah says:  

وَإِذۡ قَالَ لُقۡمَـٰنُ لِٱبۡنِهِۦ وَهُوَ يَعِظُهُ ۥ يَـٰبُنَىَّ لَا تُشۡرِكۡ بِٱللَّهِ‌ۖ إِنَّ ٱلشِّرۡكَ لَظُلۡمٌ عَظِيمٌ۬ (١٣) وَوَصَّيۡنَا ٱلۡإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٲلِدَيۡهِ

“And (remember) when Luqman said to his son, when he was advising him, “My dear son, do not ascribe partners to Allah. Indeed, ascribing partners to Allah (shirk) is grave transgression.” (13) We commanded man (to be good) to his parents.” (Luqman 31:13-14) 

We note that Luqman advised his son not to have associates with Allah, but when it came to respecting the parents, he did not say anything.  Instead, Allah, Himself, commanded the son to take care of his parents. When you show your gratitude to Allah and show love and fulfill your obligations towards your family, Allah will guide your children and your spouse to respect and obey you without you even asking.

As Allah directs your spouse and children to love, respect and obey you, you should give your parents their due rights of love, respect and obedience; after all you are a role model for your children.  Even if your parents are deceased, you still owe them.  A man from among the companions asked Prophet Mohammad (PBUH):

يا رسول الله هل بقي عليّ شيء مِن برِّ والديّ بعد موتهما ؟ 

“O Messenger of Allah, is there anything left from the goodness I owe my parents after their death?”   The Prophet (PBUH) replied:

نعم ، أربعة أشياء ، أن تدعُوَ لهما كل يوم خمس مرات ، رب اغفر لي ولوالديّ ، رب ارحمهما كما ربَّياني صغيرًا وأن تصل صديقهما ، وأن تنفذ عهدهما ، وأن تصل الرَّحِمَ التي لم يكن لها صلة إلا بهما ، فهذا الذي بقي عليك مِن برِّهما بعد موتهما

“Yes, four things:

• Pray and ask forgiveness for them five time per day by saying:

(رب اغفر لي ولوالديّ ، رب ارحمهما كما ربَّياني صغيرًا) My Lord, forgive me, my parents, My Lord have mercy on raised me when I was small. 

2) Be kind to their friends. 

3) Fulfill their pledges. 

4) And maintain the ties of kinship that come only from their direction”. (Ahmad, Abu Dawood &ibn Majah) 

DUA