الحمد لله نحمده ونستعينة ونستغفره، ونعوذ بالله من شرور أنفسنا، ومن سيئات أعمالنا ، وأشهد أن لا إله إلا الله وحده لا شريك له ، وأشهد أن سيدنا محمداً عبده ورسوله ، اللهم صلِّ وسلم وبارك على سيدنا محمد وعلى آله وأصحابه  ومن تبعه إلى يوم الدين

During our after-Fajr breakfast yesterday, the question was raised, if you want to describe the Quran in couple of words what would you say? An answer that several mentioned was it is a guide for a good life.    Since the Quran is a guide for good life, I thought a good topic for today is what the Quran teaches us about a good and happy marriage life.  In this talk, I’ll, insha’Allah, identify five lessons that we can learn from the Quran to help us maintain a happy marriage.  As you read the Quran, you may come up with additional lessons that will keep your marriage happy.

First:  Allah described marriage in Islam with the term (مِيثَاقًا غَلِيظًا) which can be translated as “solemn covenant” or “scared bond”. It is sacred because it is the same term that Allah used to describe His relationship with His messengers.  Marriage in Islam starts with the husband and wife making a commitment and solemn pledge to each other in front of Allah, His angels, their families, and friends to love each other unconditionally.  Since marriage in Islam is considered an act of worship, it will require, as any act of worship, the implementation of certain divine rules to ensure its success in the face of all the Satanic distractions and insinuations.

To overcome Satanic influences, you should treat your marriage as a beautiful garden and realize that a beautiful garden does not happen by itself.  But it comes about as a result of giving attention and hard work. In order to maintain the beauty of this garden of marriage, the husband and wife need to watch for and quickly get rid of the weeds that may creep into the garden. 

Second: Marriage in Islam is a sacred bond between two equal partners. Allah summarizes several key aspects of happy marriage in the following verse from Surat Al-Nisa:

يَـٰٓأَيُّہَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱتَّقُواْ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُم مِّن نَّفۡسٍ۬ وَٲحِدَةٍ۬ وَخَلَقَ مِنۡہَا زَوۡجَهَا وَبَثَّ مِنۡہُمَا رِجَالاً۬ كَثِيرً۬ا وَنِسَآءً۬‌ۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ ٱلَّذِى تَسَآءَلُونَ بِهِۦ وَٱلۡأَرۡحَامَ‌ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ عَلَيۡكُمۡ رَقِيبً۬ا (١)

“O mankind! Be always aware of your Lord. Who created you from a single “nafs” (soul) and from it He created its mate, and spread many men and women from the two; and fear Allah in whose name you demand (your mutual rights), and (do not cut the relations of) kinship. Surely, Allah is All-Watcher over you” (Al-Nisaa 4:1) 

There are four key points that can be drawn in this verse include:

1. Husband and wife are equals because they are created from the same “Nafs” (soul) and thus they hold the same status.
2. Out of this sacred union comes the fulfillment of Allah’s plan to bring to earth righteous children.
3. Allah gives a very important instruction to the husband and wife, whenever you ask for your rights that Allah granted to you, you should first fear Allah and ensure that you fulfill your obligations and meet your duties.
4. Allah points out the rights of the relatives of the wife and the husband, and that they should be given respect and status because marriage in Islam is not a mere bond between two persons, but it is a bond between two families.

Third: Marriage in Islam is built on the foundation of (Wud) love and mercy.  Allah says: 

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

“Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and mercy towards one another. In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think.   (Al-Rom 30:21) 

Note that Allah does not say that He created among the husband and wife (حب) which is translated as love, but He says He created among them (مودة) which is also translated as love.  But there are key differences between the two terms. First, the term (مودة) is related to Allah’s glorious name Al-Wadud (الودود) which is translated as “The All Loving “while the term (حب) is not related to a name of Allah because Allah does not have name called (الحبيب), though it can also be translated as “The All Loving”.  

Although both the terms “Wud” (ود) and “Hub” (حب) are referring to love.   The “Hub” is a love by the heart which is manifested by emotion and feelings.  But the “Wud” is love by the heart that goes beyond the emotion and feelings, it is manifested by commitments and actions.

You may love someone, but you may not want to do everything that make him/her happy. But if you have “Wud” towards someone, you will love the person and will be willing to do whatever it takes to make him/her happy.  While the relationship between the man and woman starts as love based on emotion and feeling, as soon as they get married their relationship of love is transformed into commitments to each other to do whatever is needed to make the other person happy without any expectation in return. 

After the husband and wife live together for a while, the emotion and feelings of passionate love diminishes but it is the commitment to make each other happy that is the driver to keep the family together in a state of happiness and tranquility.  Therefore, each expression of love and kindness the husband and wife show to each other is an acknowledgement of Allah’s blessing and the reward for acknowledging Allah’s blessing is Paradise.  Even a simple act like bringing a glass of water to your wife to drink is an act deserving reward form Allah.  The Prophet (PBUH) said:

إذا سقَى الرجلُ امرأتَه الماءَ أُجِرَ ] المصدر أحمد ، والبخاري في ((التاريخ الكبير)) واللفظ له من حديث العرباض بن سارية رضي الله عنه[

“When a man gives his wife something to drink, he will be rewarded.”

Now you realize how much rewards you have been missing by sitting and asking your wife to bring you a drink.  You should be the one who asks her if she wants a drink and go and get it for her and not only receive the reward from Allah but also the reciprocity of the love from your wife.

Allah commands us to take the Prophet (PBUH) as our role model.  So, we should try to imitate the way he acted in his house.  His wife Sayeda Aysha (عائشة) (RA) was asked about how the Prophet (PBUH) behaves in his house, she said: 

حديث الأسود بن يزيد، قال: “سُئلت عائشة -رضى الله عنها- ما كان النبي ﷺ يصنع في بيته؟ قالت: كان رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم إذا خلا في بيته ألين الناس، وأكرم الناس، كان رجلاً من رجالكم إلاّ أنه كان ضحّاكًا بسّامًا، وما كان إلاّ بشرًا من البشر، كان يكون في مهنة أهله -يعني خدمة أهله- يخصف نعله، ويخيط ثوبه، ويحلب شاته، ويخدم نفسه، ويعمل في بيته “.

“When he enters his house, he would be the gentlest among the people and the most generous, he was always smiling and makes us laugh.  He was always in the service of his family, he used to fix his slippers, sew his cloths, milk his sheep and serve himself and does housework.” 

Fourth:  Allah gives us in few words the golden rule that should govern the relationship between husband and wife, Allah describes this relationship by saying:  

هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَكُمْ وَأَنْتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَهُنَّ

“They are your garments, and you are their garments.” (Al-Baqara 2:187)

Our garments are intended to protect and beatify us and thus the husband’s role is to always protect his wife and always make her image honorable and beautiful and the wife must also protect her husband and always make his image look good in front of everyone.  This rule is very important when a husband is talking to his family about his wife and when the wife is talking to her family about her husband.    Conflicts within any family is natural but it always gets resolved. It is important that at a time when, say, the wife is angry with her husband that she should never speak bad about him to any of her family or friends and the same for the husband. 

Many conflicts happen between the husband and wife because of the interference of family members, particularly the mother-in-law who may feel jealous that her son appears to be loving his wife more than her.  A Muslim mother-in-law should realize that there should be no competition between her and her son’s wife because the nature of love of the son to his wife is different than his love for her. And, yes, the son may be willing to sacrifice for his wife more than his mother.  Allah gives us an interesting scene in the day of Judgement.  Allah says:    

فَإِذَا جَآءَتِ ٱلصَّآخَّةُ (٣٣)يَوۡمَ يَفِرُّ ٱلۡمَرۡءُ مِنۡ أَخِيهِ (٣٤) وَأُمِّهِۦ وَأَبِيهِ (٣٥) وَصَـٰحِبَتِهِۦ وَبَنِيهِ (٣٦) لِكُلِّ ٱمۡرِىٍٕ۬ مِّنۡہُمۡ يَوۡمَٮِٕذٍ۬ شَأۡنٌ۬ يُغۡنِيهِ (٣٧)

When the deafening noise will occur (the second blowing of the Trumpet on the Day of Resurrection) (33) The day when a man will flee from his brother, (34) And from his mother and his father, (35) And from his wife and his children. (36) Everyman, that Day, will have enough to make him careless of others. (Abasa 80:33-37)

These verses clearly highlight the priority of attachment of the man to the different members of his family.  The highest level of attachment is to the children followed by the wife and then the father followed by the mother and the last is the brothers.  And this is something that you often notice.  The person will make more sacrifices for his children than his wife and for his wife more than his parents. So, it is foolish for a wife to say to the husband that he loves the children more than her or for the husband’s mother to say to her son that he loves his wife more than her.

Fifth and this is very important to the husbands.   We all know the story of Adam and Eve in the Quran, which is completely different from the account in the Bible. I am going to quote verses 115, 117, 120, and 121 from Surat Taha (20) that provide insights on key issues regarding the responsible party for our descending to earth and the role of men and women on earth.  Allah says:

When we study these verses, we realize several key points:

1. Adam was the one who received the command from Allah not to eat from the tree and Adam was the one who was deceived by Satan and the one responsible for enticing Eve to eat from the tree with him.
2. Allah warned Adam that if he ate from the tree, he would go down to earth where he will toil and face hardships. Eve was not given the warning and thus it is not expected that she would suffer on earth.
3. While at the end both Adam and Eve ate from the tree and thus, they both violated Allah’s command, Allah placed the whole responsibility and blame on Adam and that he is the one who erred and went astray.
4. In no place in the Quran does Allah place the blame on Eve, even though she also ate from the tree. This is possible due to two things, one is that her mistake was that she obeyed her husband, and two Allah knows the emotional state of women and that they are hurt by placing blame on them.

To maintain a happy marriage, husbands must learn from the above points three key lessons:

1. The husband should not be upset when his wife does not listen to him all the time. After all, it was the obedience of Eve to Adam that caused her to come down to earth with him. Men can be wrong.
2. The emotional state of the wives does not allow them to face blames, therefore, husbands who are consider themselves as real men should always take the blame for their wives. If husbands learn to say “I am sorry” even if it is not their mistake, their lives will be far easier and happier as they say, happy wife, happy life.
3. A husband should never place any hardships on his wife because after all Allah did not say that when Eve comes to earth, she will face hardships, only Adam will.

This last point needs more explanation because I am sure it is ignored in Muslim families.  It is important to keep in mind that the majority opinion of the Muslim Jurists state that the wife is not obligated to work in their house; she has no responsibility to cook, clean, wash clothing or do anything around the house and if she does, it is out of her kindness and love and not because she is obligated and thus Allah will reward her for it but if she refuses there is no blame on her.   Therefore, every husband must be always grateful to his wife for any work she is doing in the house and for taking care of the children and none of this is obligatory on her.    

The Jurists derived their ruling based on what the Prophet (PBUH) used to do in his house as we discussed earlier.   The ruling that the wife is not obligated to do housework is also based on the verse in Surat At-Talq in which the man is required to pay his divorced wife for breast feeding their infant child, as Allah says:

فَإِنْ أَرْضَعْنَ لَكُمْ فَآتُوهُنَّ أُجُورَهُنَّ

“Then if they are suckling for you (breast feed a child), give them their due payment.” (Al-Talaq 65:6)

Scholars said: If the woman is paid to breast feed her child, it would be more reasonable to consider that doing other tasks are not obligatory.

The Khalifa Omar ibn Al-Khtaab was also of the opinion that the wife is not obligated to work in the house.   A man came to complain to Omar about his wife’s rudeness and when the man knocked on Omar’s door, he heard Omar’s wife shouting at him.  So, he left.  But Omar opened the door and called him and asked him why did you come?  The man said:  I came to complain about my wife who shouts at me, and I found that you are in even worst position.  So, Omar told him: 

يا أخي إني احتملتها لحقوق لها علي : إنها طباخة لطعامي خبازة لخبزي غسالة لثيابي مرضعة لولدي و ليس ذلك كله بواجب عليها

“My brother, how can I not tolerate her, and she has rights over me. She cooks my food, bakes my bread, washes my clothing and breast feeds my child and none of this is obligatory on her.”

You may ask, what is then the responsibility of the wife: two things, sleep with the husband and do not allow any one he dislikes entering their home.

We pray to Allah to bless our marriages and shower our families with happiness and joy in this life and hereafter.    DUA